I told you guys about how a friend asked me about my vision of Iran in 10 years, did i?
Well, the first vision i wrote was the most optimistic vision i could have, in reality it will take way longer for Iran to become that open and tolerant. But it’s never too early or too late to have dream, is it?
Now my most pessimistic vision, the vision that i sometimes fear so much i have nightmares about is what i want to write here today.
Fear and Loathing in Tehran 2019
I hear their boots stomping above me; they are close, so close i can even smell them. It’s still dark.
I know the routine, it’s not the first time they are coming; i close my eyes and pull the sheets over my head, i can’t look at them i just can’t.
Here they come; bang, they open the door.
They are shouting, my eyes are closed but i can see their bearded faces, I’ve seen them so many times that i do not need to have my eyes open to see them, their faces are carved in my head.
They search everywhere, looking for anything, anything can be a crime even a lipstick. Hehehe, the last time they took me away, was because of a Quran i kept at home, a Quran my grandmother had given me! Can you believe it, even having a Quran is a crime.
He’s coming upstairs i can feel him. Knocks the door open, i’m still under the sheets.
“Why are you being so shy today?” he says.
I don’t answer, i never do.
I can smell his dirty damp breath on my skin, i know what to do, just close my head, and go to that good place i have in my head.
“It seems like the last time we taught you a good lesson, i see you have the picture of the leader up, and not to mention the president! Good girl, maybe i can tell Seyyed; our boss, to be friendlier to your parents, Inshallah if you are a good girl they might even get released,” he says with a whisper in my ear.
The thought of my parents, brings tear to my eyes.
They are still searching the house, i hear them break stuff, i don’t know why they keep breaking everything.
I hear the helicopters flying over Tehran, it must be 5 in the morning, that’s when the choppers come, and they will leave soon to raid another place. In just a few minutes another family will be in fear just like me, another woman raped another man beaten up another dignity taken.
They are leaving. I am shaking. The hate just makes my body shake. There is nothing i can do, and that is what i always feared the most to not be able to change the situation i’m in, to have to live with it no matter how painful it is.
I stretch my hand and open the drawer next to my bed, i need the numbness, i take the syringe; probably the only thing which is not a crime in this country these days, i know i will be numb soon and go to a happy place in my head; free!
